


How Sasuke REALLY Killed Itachi!

by Lady_Blade_WarAngel



Series: Crack Fic Madness One-Shots! [2]
Category: Naruto, Naruto Shippuden
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Complete Insanity, Complete crack, Explicit Language, Fangirls, Gears of War 2, Implied Mpreg, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lollipops, Michael Jackson References (that may offend), Multi, Orochimaru Smokes Drugs, Orochimaru is a Paedophile, Parody, implied ust, pocky, xbox
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 23:24:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4324803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Blade_WarAngel/pseuds/Lady_Blade_WarAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke has Man Flu. He decides he should share his misfortune with his brother. He doesn't realise how mentally scarring seeing the Akatsuki in their natural habitat will be. </p><p>Also, Orochimaru and Kabuto are experimenting with drugs and making illegal videos. But does that surprise anyone? Really?</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Sasuke REALLY Killed Itachi!

**Author's Note:**

> This has references to all sorts of things that may offend. But again, this is crack. It's written for laughs. It's not supposed to be taken seriously.

How Sasuke REALLY Killed Itachi.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Deep in the bowels of hell... ahem... I mean Orochimaru’s lair. Sasuke found himself stuck in bed with the flu.

Not just any flu, but Man flu. He felt terrible. His eyes hurt, his head hurt, his neck hurt. Everything hurt.

 _“I feel like death warmed up. If I survive this I’ll definitely be stronger...”_ Sasuke thought to himself.

That was when it hit him. An all powerful idea, that made the angels start singing `Hallelujah’ above his head. Sasuke was delusional, Sasuke was crazy. But Sasuke knew his plan would work.

He jumped out of bed as the angels kept singing above his head. He got dressed and tied his purple bow around his waist. All this time the angels were still singing above his head. He ran out of his bedroom (slowly of course, he still had Man Flu) and bumped into Orochimaru.

“What are you doing Sasuke-kun!” Orochimaru piped out. Sasuke looked at him quizzically.

“Have you been smoking weed again?” Sasuke asked.

“Well.... um... NO! OF COURSE NOT!” Orochimaru yelled.

“You seem a little... high?” Sasuke asked again.

“Of course I’m not high Sasuke-kun. Now be careful of the pretty chocolate bunny sitting next to you.” Orochimaru said seriously.

Sasuke looked down at the floor, only to see nothing was there. “You see he thinks I want to molest him, just because I took off the gold wrapping he was wearing. But it’s not true damn it! I am not a zoophile!” Orochimaru yelled in Sasuke’s ear.

“Yeah he’s definitely high as a kite. What the hell has he been smoking?” Sasuke asked himself.

“He’s been smoking a concoction of weed, hashish and some stingy nettles.” Kabuto said as he appeared next to Sasuke from nowhere.

Sasuke jumped in fright and looked at Kabuto curiously.

“What the fuck? Are you seriously telling me he smoked stingy nettles?” Sasuke asked. Kabuto nodded.

“Apparently they have a great effect. I don’t know though. They just stank the main chamber out when he was burning them. I have to go and deodorise the place.” Kabuto stated calmly.

Sasuke glared.

“Are you telling me I have to put up with this every day?” Sasuke said.

“Pretty much.” Kabuto replied. Sasuke blinked. Kabuto then skipped off down the hall singing

“I’m going to do some cleaning, I’m going to do some cleaning, I’m going to do some cleaning, all day long!” As loudly as he could get. Sasuke shook his head incredulously.

“I’m so out of here.” Sasuke stated, and ran off, as fast as his weak, flu-infested body would carry him.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke had been travelling for a day. He’d had to stop several times. His nose kept running, and he had to find tissues to wipe it. He kept crying for no reason. He liked to blame the flu of course.

He finally made it to the secret pit of demonic- ahem, the secret base of Akatsuki after what seemed like years (but was only a few days)

Sasuke looked around the creepy underground base as he looked out for Itachi.

“What is it with bad guys, and creepy underground basement hideaways? You’d think they’d differentiate a little bit.” Sasuke said to himself. That was when Hidan and Kakuzu appeared.

“Kakuzu you bastard! You better not have fucking stolen my mother-fucking XBOX or I’ll damn well kill you. I’ve got over sixteen fucking thousand gamer points on that. Do you know how Jashin damned long it took to get those bastard points you asswipe?” Hidan yelled.

Sasuke blinked curiously.

 _“Woah, he swears more than that Tayuya bitch used to.”_ Sasuke thought to himself.

“It was a waste of money Hidan. Look how much you have to pay monthly to have a gold membership.” Kakuzu stated blankly.

“So what fucker? It fucking amuses me. I like to play Gears of War two for fucks sake. I like my top fucking gamer status bastard. So you better not have done anything to my XBOX!” Hidan yelled.

“So with the money you pay for that thing, we could afford more Pocky.” Kakuzu said. A look of glee came over his masked face, as his eyes went all large and chibified. Sasuke’s eyes bugged at the pair.

“I hate Pocky. Doughnuts are better.” Sasuke said.

“ _Fuck your damn Pocky Kakuzu!_ I swear to Jashin if you stole my fucking XBOX I’ll just use that bastard Kisame’s XBOX, play against your fucking party on Gears of fucking War two, and fucking Gear rape you!” Hidan yelled.

Kakuzu and Sasuke both stared at Hidan. At that point, Kisame, Tobi and Konan came into the hall and saw Sasuke.

“He’s _sooooooo_ cute!” Tobi and Konan yelled. They ran to glomp him, and Sasuke jumped out of the way. The pair fell on the floor, and Sasuke conveniently dropped two large stones on their heads.

“How the fuck did you do that you shit?” Hidan yelled.

“My purple bow thing is a glompdar.” Sasuke replied stoically.

“I need one of those, where can I get one?” A pierced Pein asked, as he walked into the corridor with an Icha Icha book.

“You read those pervy books that Kakashi reads?” Sasuke asked.

“What are you talking about? These books are the pinnacle of great drama, action and romance, to the point of nearly stopping my heart a few times.” Pein said dramatically.

“Whatever, they’re just books about sex anyway.” Sasuke stated.

“How the fuck would you know?” Hidan asked.

“The Dobe and I stole Kakashi’s book once just to see what was in it. It was scary.” Sasuke stated, cringing for emphasis. Zetsu appeared with a giant lollipop then.

“So basically, you and that Naruto brat are also perverts?” Zetsu asked.

“No!” Sasuke yelled.

“You still didn’t tell me where you got the glompdar from.” Pein stated. “Oh I placed a jutsu on it after I got it from Orochimaru.” Sasuke replied.

“You realise that you might as well be living with Michael Jackson right?” Konan stated. How she’d gotten out from under the rock Sasuke dropped on her head, Sasuke did not know.

“Look, Orochimaru is never getting his hands on me. With my built it glompdar and gaydar in this purple bow, I am untouchable.” Sasuke stated.

“What the hell?” Kisame questioned, as Deidara and Sasori walked into the packed hall from a room to the right.

“What the hell is all the noise about?” Sasori hissed angrily.

“Yeah un? I was just about to get Sasori Danna to pound me harder than he’s ever pounded anyone!” Deidara yelled.

The corridor went silent. Everyone just stared, wide eyed, and Sasuke wandered exactly how worth it, killing Itachi, really was. After all this was mentally scarring and god knows, he’s already been scarred for life enough.

“YOU TWO BASTARDS ARE FUCKING AND YOU DON’T EVEN TELL US? JASHIN SAVE ME! I COULD’VE WALKED INTO ONE OF YOUR DAMN ROOMS AND SEEN SASORI’S WOODEN DICK?” Hidan yelled. Once again everyone blinked. Deidara went bright red.

“YOU FUCKING IDIOT! SASORI DANNA WAS GIVING ME A MASSAGE YOU BASTARD!” Deidara yelled back. Sasuke didn’t know where to look. He decided to leave the group arguing and walked off down the hall. How he avoided everyone, we will never know.

He arrived outside a door with the Uchiha clan symbol on it, with a slash through it.

“Well this has got to be Itachi’s room.” Sasuke stated. He opened the door, and walked in to see Itachi reading Icha Icha as well.

“What the fuck? Have I entered the twilight zone?” Sasuke asked.

“Ah, foolish little brother. What are you doing here?” Itachi asked.

“Never mind that you bastard. Why do you read perverted books?” Sasuke asked.

“What are you complaining about? Father used to read them all the time. How do you think I got hold of them in the first place?” Itachi replied.

Sasuke looked around the room, to see a shrine with a piece of cheese sitting inside a special glass case.

“What’s with the cheese?” Sasuke asked.

“The cheese was chasing me last night. I had to lock it away.” Itachi replied.

“What?” Sasuke asked.

“The cheese. It was chasing me down a hill, and I couldn’t escape it. It was horrible.” Itachi stated, with his eyes all chibified and filled with tears.

“That is the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen.” Sasuke stated, as he looked at Itachi crying waterfalls.

“Anyway, you didn’t tell me why you were here?” Itachi stated.

“Well, I have man flu, and I’m going to give it to you.” Sasuke replied. Itachi jumped up from his seated position on his bed, and made a cross sign with his fingers.

“Noooooooooooo! Anything but Man Flu! I only killed our whole family! I didn’t give you diseases!” Itachi yelled.

“Shut up and take it like a man!” Sasuke yelled.

He dived for Itachi, who jumped to the side. “I SAID STAY STILL ASSHOLE!” Sasuke yelled.

“NO!” Itachi yelled back. The two carried on their jumping game whilst they argued.

“STAY STILL ITACHI!” Sasuke yelled while jumping at him.

“NO!” Itachi yelled whilst dodging.

“GOD DAMN YOU! JUST TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!” Sasuke yelled, whilst he lunged for Itachi again.

“NO! GET YOUR COOTIES AWAY FROM ME!” Itachi dodged and yelled back.

“IT’S MAN FLU NOT COOTIES!” Sasuke yelled and dived for Itachi yet again.

“I DON’T CARE!” Itachi yelled. He jumped onto his desk.

“JUST STAY STILL AND LET ME GIVE YOU MY MAN FLU!” Sasuke yelled.

He jumped on the desk next to Itachi. Itachi shrieked like a girl and jumped onto the desk chair. Sasuke jumped onto Itachi’s back.

“NOOOOO! GET OFF ME! YOU’LL INFECT ME WITH YOUR EVIL MAN FLU COOTIES!!!” Itachi yelled.

“THAT’S THE IDEA BASTARD!” Sasuke yelled, whilst holding on to Itachi’s back.

Itachi spun around quickly, trying to throw Sasuke off. Sasuke, however, would not be shifted. He held on tightly, as Itachi spun around in circles trying to make him let go. Finally, Sasuke managed to get a lock on Itachi’s neck, pulled himself closer to Itachi and...

LICKED HIS FACE!!!

“NOOOOOOOOO! YOU LICKED ME! YOU EVIL LITTLE BASTARD!!! I’LL GET YOUR COOTIES!” Itachi yelled. Sasuke let go of Itachi, and Itachi started running around the room in circles screaming at the top of his lungs.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” Itachi shrieked.

“Itachi?” Sasuke asked.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”

“Itachi?”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”

“ITACHI YOU’RE GOING BLUE YOU BAKA!” Sasuke yelled.

It was to no avail, as Itachi went from blue to purple to dark violet, and then fainted on the floor from lack of oxygen.

“Oh well, my work here is done. Just in case though.” Sasuke stated. He picked up Itachi’s cup, and licked around the rim of the cup. Then he breathed all over Itachi’s pillow. “That oughta do it!” Sasuke exclaimed happily, as he left the secret base of Akatsuki.

xXxXxXx A WEEK LATER xXxXxXx

Kabuto walked into Sasuke’s room at Michael Jackson’s h- I mean Orochimaru’s lair.

“Sasuke, it seems that Itachi is dead.” Kabuto said stoically.

“Really, how did he die?” Sasuke asked. He expected to hear that Itachi had caught his man flu and died.

“Well, you see, he fainted on the floor in his room, and died, because he broke his nose, and drowned in his own blood.” Kabuto replied.

“WHAT THE FUCK!!! I TRAVELLED ALL THAT WAY AND HE DIDN’T EVEN CATCH MY FLU?” Sasuke yelled.

“What?” Kabuto asked.

“Never mind. My goal is complete. Now for my next goal.” Sasuke stated.

“What’s that?” Kabuto asked.

“Producing heirs and rebuilding my clan.” Sasuke said. He walked out of the room, whilst Kabuto and Orochimaru (who appeared from nowhere) followed him out of the creepy lair. “Bye guys. It’s been great, but I need to go back to Konoha, and screw Sakura, so I can have heirs that will have Sharingan.” Sasuke stated happily.

“I thought you were gay?” Kabuto stated.

“Nope. Just coz the fangirls think I am, who believes them? If that were true, then I’d be screwing Naruto, and he’d be having my manbabies.” Sasuke replied.

“But Sasuke, you’re supposed to be my student!” Orochimaru yelled.

“Yeah well, that was until I killed Itachi. I killed him, so now I’m going back to Konoha to screw Sakura’s brains out and produce heirs.” Sasuke stated.

“Why Sakura?” Kabuto asked. “I have a pink fetish.” Sasuke replied. He walked off into the sunset whistling the incredibly old theme tune from the incredibly old series of the Incredible Hulk.

“I wish you’d never given him that man flu Kabuto. It not only made him stronger, but now I can’t even molest him because he killed Itachi.” Orochimaru said sadly.

“You still have your videos of him in the shower, and the pictures you took while he was sleeping, and the lock of hair you cut off of him when he first got here and was injured.” Kabuto replied.

“Oh yeah. Excuse me Kabuto, I need to go and have some alone time!” Orochimaru said happily, as he skipped off into the evil lair. Kabuto smirked.

“So do I, Orochimaru-Sama.” Kabuto replied, whilst holding up a tape with the label ‘OROCHIMARU-SAMA IN THE SHOWER SINGING I WILL SURVIVE!’ and an incredibly long lock of black hair. He skipped into the lair after Orochimaru, singing ‘I will survive’ to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to anyone who made it to the end and bothered to read this. I hope that it made you laugh. (nods)


End file.
